The Tip Sheet: The Revenge Of The Pacific Northwest

There is an old saying that when a week of college football doesn’t have any marquee games, then you better buckle up for a crazy weekend of action.

The freaks are out this weekend in the college football world and nobody’s gonna be safe.

What else would you expect from a Friday the 13^th weekend?

Sure, you may have to look a little harder for something you want to watch, but don’t be surprised when you’re locked in on a game that you didn’t even know was happening 10 minutes prior.

The Buckeyes may not be playing on Saturday but that doesn’t mean you have to have a life outside of football. Stay strong, be ready. Fight for your right to not do a damn thing.

Friday September 13

Teams: #20 Arizona (2-0) at #14 Kansas State (2-0)
Time (TV): 8:00 pm (FOX)
Interest: 4.5
Line: Kansas State -7
Cheer For: Arizona

This has the potential to be the most entertaining game of the weekend. It is one of just two games between ranked opponents this week. The winner of this game is going to have a significant leg up in the Big XII. We could be in line for a shootout here. Arizona throws it well and Kansas State gave up 342 yards passing to Tulane last week. Arizona receiver Tetairoa McMillan opened the season with 10 catches for 304 yards and four touchdowns against New Mexico. Kansas State’s secondary better have their track shoes nearby. These two teams haven’t played since ’78, which might also be a decent number for the over/under.

Arizona 38 – Kansas State 34

Saturday September 14

Teams: #4 Alabama (2-0) at Wisconsin (2-0)
Time (TV): 12:00 pm (FOX)
Interest: 4
Line: Wisconsin +16
Cheer For: Wisconsin

Alabama struggled last week but it may have been because they were looking ahead to this game and getting lost in thought about experiencing a big city for the first time. They will definitely be awestruck by their surroundings. More cased meats than they were led to believe by their coaches. The Willy Wonka of sausage couldn’t have done it better. As for the matchup, every metric for this game is pointing towards Alabama, but the last time I checked, we live in America and we ain’t got time for no damn metric system. That being said, math is math. Wisconsin can’t move the ball and they’re having trouble stopping it. They’re gonna need help from Alabama in this one. Jalen Milroe will provide, but only so much.

Alabama 34 – Wisconsin 14

Teams: #16 LSU (1-1) at South Carolina (2-0, 1-0)
Time (TV): 12:00 pm (ABC)
Interest: 2.5
Line: South Carolina +7
Cheer For: LSU

You’re cheering for LSU because every win for the Tigers is also a win for USC and the Big Ten. This could be the case of a decent offense (LSU) against a decent defense, but then also a bad defense (LSU) against a bad offense (USC). Either way, you’ll be too busy watching to see if Michigan is going to self-impose a bowl ban by struggling against Arkansas State.

LSU 27 – South Carolina 23

Teams: Arkansas State (2-0) at #17 Michigan (1-1)
Time (TV): 12:00 pm (BTN)
Interest: 2.5
Line: Michigan -23
Cheer For: Michigan

People are laughing at Michigan for being blown out by Texas but those people wouldn’t be laughing if the Wolverines had been able to utilize the large-scale campus-to-campus advanced scouting operation that they built their entire program around. Did you ever think about that? Would you ask Boeing to fly planes without wings? Of course you wouldn’t. The NCAA’s bias against Michigan’s massive Fring-like operation is a perfect example of the kind of petty jealousy that everybody has when it comes to the Maize and Blue. They can’t beat Michigan so they blame “cheating.” Such a lame excuse. If you’ve ever cheated you’d know it doesn’t help you win. It just makes you look cool and mysterious. Like wearing a leather jacket to your new school after transferring mid-semester. Sometimes I think the University of Michigan and their lawyers should just start their own NCAA. Call it “The MCAA” and put everybody else on probation for coping too hard.

Michigan 38 – Arkansas State 0

Teams: #24 Boston College (2-0) at #6 Missouri (2-0)
Time (TV): 12:45 pm (SECN)
Interest: 2.5
Line: Missouri -16.5
Cheer For: Missouri

I know you’re cheering for Boston College because of your love for the Celtics, but you probably don’t want any extra ACC teams in the CFP picture taking a spot from a Big Ten team that might be Ohio State. Go ahead and root for Missouri, even if Robert Parrish might stab you with one of his elbows for doing so. The Tigers have played very good defense to this point but Boston College quarterback Thomas Castellanos is going to put them all to the test. This could be an entertaining game, provided the Eagles are actually decent and not just your typical Boston College team. They do lead the ACC in rushing, averaging 282.5 yards per game, so ball control could even things out here.

Missouri 31 – Boston College 20

Teams: Texas A&M (1-1) at Florida (1-1)
Time (TV): 3:30 pm (ABC)
Interest: 2
Line: Florida +4
Cheer For: Florida

This game is a lot like jury duty — after you’ve sat through it for about three hours you’re ready to make somebody pay. Florida is still being coy about their quarterback. Freshman DJ Lagway started in place of the injured Graham Mertz last week and threw for 456 yards against Samford. He averaged nearly 20 yards per pass attempt, which is all the indication you need that Samford is bad. Mertz needs to be the guy if the Gators want to win. Texas A&M is also probably bad, but not that bad. Mike Elko and his defense are likely good enough to make the Gators pay for starting a true freshman quarterback, should Billy Napier decide to put all of his eggs in Lagway’s basket. But he won’t. Right?

Florida 28 – Texas A&M 26

Teams: #9 Oregon (2-0) at Oregon State (2-0)
Time (TV): 3:30 pm (FOX)
Interest: 4
Line: Oregon State +16.5
Cheer For: Oregon

You should cheer for Oregon but I know that you won’t. The Ducks have been playing with fire this season and have had a few feathers singed in the process. This is a noon-local kick for an Oregon State crowd that is going to be as loud as a noon-day Corvallis crowd can be. The Beavers had a pair of running backs go over 100 yards in the season opener against Idaho State, but neither managed to do so in their 21-0 win over San Diego State. Oregon’s run defense was peeled pretty cleanly by Boise State last week. The Duck offense has thrown for some shiny numbers, but they can’t run it and have had trouble stopping it. Oregon’s receivers were a whisker away from big plays last week. Expect them to connect this week.

Oregon 38 – Oregon State 24

Teams: #18 Notre Dame (1-1) at Purdue (1-0)
Time (TV): 3:30 pm (CBS)
Interest: 4
Line: Purdue +10.5
Cheer For: Purdue

Had Notre Dame not gotten upset last week by Northern Illinois, they would be ripe for an upset here. Instead, the Irish echoes are now awake and they are going to rain thunder down upon the Boilermakers. Unfortunately for the Irish, their thunder isn’t all that thunderous. It’s more like a distant rumble from an old Chevy Citation that is still somehow on the road. “Why a Citation?” the people wonder. Who could possibly want to keep that thing running? What emotional connection does it have? The Purdue home crowd is going to be ramped up for this one. The Boilers have had a week off to prepare, but they’ve been preparing for this one all fall camp. Quarterback Hudson Card completed 24-of-25 passes in a season-opening win over Indiana State two weeks ago. If he completes 24 passes in this one — regardless of the attempts — Purdue might be sitting pretty good. They will try to establish the run, but Notre Dame will be waiting. We’ll know a lot more about Purdue after this game, assuming we’re even interested in finding out.

Notre Dame 23 – Purdue 17

Teams: West Virginia (1-1) at Pittsburgh (2-0)
Time (TV): 3:30 pm (ESPN)
Interest: 1.5
Line: Pittsburgh +2.5
Cheer For: West Virginia

Welcome to The Backyard Brawl. Every commercial break for this game is going to feature some sort of law firm advertising a class-action lawsuit for any possible black lung sufferers.

Pittsburgh 20 – West Virginia 16

Teams: Washington State (2-0) vs. Washington (2-0) (at Lumen Field)
Time (TV): 3:30 pm (Peacock)
Interest: 2
Line: Washington -4.5
Cheer For: Washington

The history of the Apple Cup is a storied one. My favorite of the stories took place during the famed 6-6 tie back in 1908. Washington quarterback, placekicker, and head coach Orris Lavender, who had fought in the Spanish-American war 10 years earlier as an 11-year-old, broke both of his legs returning the game’s opening kickoff. Being the head coach as well as the quarterback, he couldn’t simply be whisked away to the hospital to receive medical attention. Instead, Lavender called the game from a prone position on the sideline, taking in morphine and ether to ease the pain. In Lavender’s place at quarterback was his backup, Burchell Banks, who was the first seven-year-old to successfully solo-navigate the entire Colorado River in a barrel. Seeing their leader lost for the game, Washington was obviously in shock, as was Banks, who fumbled the first snap he took. Washington State recovered and quickly scored, taking a 6-0 lead. The Huskies defense stood tall from there on, however, forcing a then-record 18 punts in the game. Then, with less than one minute remaining in the game, Banks took the snap, followed his back through a hole on the left side of the line, and came up against Washington State’s All-American defender Wilfrost Komages, who was just the seventh 10-year old in the state’s history to be placed in a seven-foot-by-seven-foot pit with a grizzly bear and come out alive. Komages didn’t have the same luck against Banks as he did the grizzly, however, because Banks faked one way and spun back to the other, leaving Komages laying on the ground like ol’ Orris Lavender, except Komages wasn’t currently in the middle of morphine hallucinations. Banks sprinted down the sideline, tying the game at 6-6 with just seconds remaining. However, without Lavender available to kick an extra point, they had to attempt the conversion with a play from scrimmage. Trying to come up with a play to call, Banks roused Lavender to a wakened state, asking what play they should run. Lavender lashed out, claiming that the “dragons are on their way” and the “village must be protected, especially the rum.” The rest of the team then looked at Banks. It was his job now. Lavender was too far gone to help them any further. But Banks was ready for this opportunity. You don’t become Idaho’s state champion bare-knuckle children’s boxer at the age of four without a certain amount of gumption. He grabbed his team and gave them the play, but more importantly, he gave them the confidence that they would be able to succeed. They ran out onto the field with the same type of confidence that would two years later enable Banks to become the first American to successfully knock out a buffalo with a single punch (but that’s another story). Unfortunately, what they didn’t see was broken-legged Orris Lavender, pulling himself out onto the field, arm over arm, dragging two useless legs behind him like wet socks filled with cold oatmeal. Banks took the snap from center and shot through the line like a chicken being chased by a child. He had scored! Or at least that’s what he and his teammates had thought. Instead, with Lavender out on the field screaming about having his insides eaten out by vultures, the Huskies were flagged for having too many men on the field. Unable to get him off of the field, in order to avoid any further penalties, Washington had to then attempt the conversion with just 10 players while their coach, 40 yards away, rambled on about how “the Civil War was an inside job.” Without the necessary amount of blockers, however, the play was easily halted by Washington State, and the game finished in a 6-6 tie. It is known today as “Lavender’s Morphine Folly,” and still rates as one of Washington State’s greatest victories. I could easily see something like that happening again in this one.

Washington 17 – Washington State 16

Teams: #1 Georgia (2-0) at Kentucky (1-1, 0-1)
Time (TV): 7:30 pm (ABC)
Interest: 1
Line: Kentucky +24
Cheer For: Kentucky

If Kentucky can’t even stay with South Carolina, there’s no way they’re going to be allowed in the same neighborhood as Georgia. The Bulldogs live in a gated community and the Wildcats do not have the access code. This game will be over quickly, allowing you to switch over to CBS to see if Deion Sanders yells at a receiver for making Shedeur Sanders look bad on another pick six.

Georgia 42 – Kentucky 10

Teams: Colorado (1-1) at Colorado State (1-1)
Time (TV): 7:30 pm (CBS)
Interest: 3
Line: Colorado State +7.5
Cheer For: Colorado State

Colorado State opened the season with a 52-0 loss to Texas, so with them playing Colorado this week, we can finally get a pretty good idea of whether or not the Longhorns are better than the Buffs. Last year’s game between these two teams was pretty entertaining. This one could be as well. People love to watch Coach Prime find new ways to make his job look more difficult than it actually is.

Colorado 41 – Colorado State 27

Teams: Maryland (1-1) at Virginia (2-0)
Time (TV): 8:00 pm (ACCN)
Interest: 1.5
Line: Virginia +2.5
Cheer For: Maryland

As you know, Virginia and Maryland used to be conference mates in the ACC, so for UVA, this is gonna be like going to a class reunion and running into one of the loser kids in your class who literally hit the lottery and now they’re just blowing through their money with nothing to show for it. Virginia players are more angry than jealous, but the jealousy is also a source of ignition. The Terps somehow lost at home to Michigan State last week, which is something that is normally reserved for Ohio State. Check out this future Big Ten matchup at your own peril, assuming you can find the ACC Network somewhere on your television. It should at least be a bit of a shootout, so feel free to turn over once you’re done watching Colorado players blame each other for losing.

Virginia 34 – Maryland 27

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