The Tip Sheet: Smear The Turtle

This is the week that college football fans have been pointing to for months. Arguably the biggest game of the year takes place this weekend as the Maryland Terrapins head to Bloomington to take on the Indiana Hoosiers. Two Big Ten title hopefuls battling it out for conference supremacy.

What more could you want?

I think Georgia and Alabama also play this weekend.

Regardless, it’s a weekend of college football, which means that it’s a weekend where you can ball up your stress and store it in your gut for about 12 hours and think about something other than that noise your car/knee/water heater/roof/spouse is making.

Friday September 27

Teams: Virginia Tech (2-2, 0-0) at #7 Miami (4-0, 0-0)
Time (TV): 7:30 pm (ESPN)
Interest: 2
Line: Miami -19
Cheer For: Virginia Tech

Former Ohio State running back commit Jordan Lyle is leading Miami in rushing right now with 233 yards as a true freshman. Former Ohio State running back commit Mark Fletcher is currently fourth on the Canes’ team in rushing with 120 yards. Former Ohio State tight end commit Benji Gosnell is second on the Hokies with 11 catches. This is what happens when you can’t delete old recruiting information from your brain. I can’t remember my wedding anniversary because I apparently need to remember Tristen Wallace’s offer list instead even though he decommitted and switched positions and then ended up at a JUCO. Please help me Robby Schoenhoft.

Miami 41 – Virginia Tech 13

Teams: Washington (3-1, 1-0) at Rutgers (3-0, 0-0)
Time (TV): 8:00 pm (FOX)
Interest: 2.5
Line: Rutgers -2.5
Cheer For: Rutgers

Imagine joining the Big Ten and then having the conference force you to fly to the other side of the country to lose to Rutgers. I’m old enough to remember when Pat Fitzgerald got fired because his team was hazing rookies. Now the entire conference does it.

Rutgers 24 – Washington 20

Saturday September 28

Teams: Kentucky (2-2, 0-2) at #6 Ole Miss (4-0, 0-0)
Time (TV): 12:00 pm (ABC)
Interest: 2.5
Line: Ole Miss -17.5
Cheer For: Kentucky

This will be an interesting game just to compare it to Kentucky’s performance against Georgia, which ended in a 13-12 win for the Bulldogs in Lexington. This game is in Oxford, Mississippi, so the transitive property won’t be its 100% perfect self. Instead, it’ll be about 85% of perfect. Ole Miss is scoring 55 points per game and allowing just 5.5 points per game. This is the Rebels’ first real game, as long as we don’t count Wake Forest and DO count this. Ole Miss QB Jaxson Dart has thrown for at least 377 yards in all four games this season. I assume that will end this week but I’m not going to put that in writing.

Ole Miss 38 – Kentucky 13

Teams: Minnesota (2-2, 0-1) at #12 Michigan (3-1, 1-0)
Time (TV): 12:00 pm (FOX)
Interest: 4
Line: Michigan -9
Cheer For: Minnesota

Michigan won an improbable game last week thanks to the heroics of Lincoln Riley. The Wolverines can’t rely on Riley swooping in and saving the day every single week, so they’re going to have to figure this one out on their own. Fortunately for them, figuring Minnesota out isn’t all that difficult. We’re gonna find out just how bad Michigan is right now because they should be able to handle the Gophers. If they can’t, then Lincoln Riley is going to look even worse after this one. Minnesota has some playmakers, but can they protect quarterback Max Brosmer? Receiver Daniel Jackson and running back Darius Taylor could make this one interesting. Can Michigan quarterback Alex Orji do anything in the passing game? If he can’t, then the Wolverines may not have any comfortable games the rest of the way out. If you are susceptible to eye ulcers, you may want to keep your rods and cones free of this monstrosity.

Michigan 20 – Minnesota 12

Teams: #20 Oklahoma State (3-1, 0-1) at #23 Kansas State (3-1, 0-1)
Time (TV): 12:00 pm (ESPN)
Interest: 2
Line: Kansas State -4.5
Cheer For: Who cares?

The Big XII is just a series of living rooms competing to see who has the best wood paneling.

Kansas State 26 – Oklahoma State 24

Teams: #22 BYU (4-0, 1-0) at Baylor (2-2, 0-1)
Time (TV): 12:00 pm (FS1)
Interest: 2
Line: Baylor -3
Cheer For: Baylor

Undefeated Big XII teams have dropped like frozen iguanas this season. BYU is one of just three undefeated teams remaining in the conference (Utah, UCF). The fact that Baylor is favored should tell you all you need to know about this one. Nobody in the Big XII is allowed to have nice things. Not even the most polite program in the conference. Despite Baylor having some of the best starting field position in the nation, their offense is one of the worst. I don’t know how they win this. All I know is that they do.

Baylor 23 – BYU 20

Teams: Maryland (3-1, 0-1) at Indiana (4-0, 1-0)
Time (TV): 12:00 pm (BTN)
Interest: 3
Line: Indiana -7
Cheer For: Maryland

You are cheering for Maryland because you don’t need Indiana coming into Columbus with a 10-0 record thinking they can actually beat the Buckeyes when the Buckeyes are more focused on Michigan the following week. The Hoosiers are destroying everything in their path right now. Like a John Mellencamp tour bus with a cowcatcher on the front. The Indiana offense is dominating. They are top 25 nationally in both rushing yards per game and passing yards. This should be the best test yet for the Hoosier defense. This may be a fun one. Certainly more pleasing to the eye than the Little Brown Jug in Ann Arbor.

Indiana 38 – Maryland 27

Teams: Wisconsin (2-1, 0-0) at #13 USC (2-1, 0-1)
Time (TV): 3:30 pm (CBS)
Interest: 3.5
Line: USC -15.5
Cheer For: USC

Wisconsin’s best course to victory is to put a running back at quarterback and throw incompletions downfield and somehow hit three big home runs in the ground game despite being shut down for most of the afternoon and then also return an interception for a touchdown and wait for Lincoln Riley to hand over the keys to the Coliseum via some kind of ill-advised shenanigan. But since I don’t expect that to happen, the Trojans will bounce back this week unless any other players decide they aren’t playing enough and want to redshirt because their third uncle is worried about losing his cut.

USC 34 – Wisconsin 17

Teams: #15 Louisville (3-0) at #16 Notre Dame (3-1)
Time (TV): 3:30 pm (Peacock)
Interest: 3.5
Line: Notre Dame -6
Cheer For: Louisville

Notre Dame is playing for its life the rest of the way out this season. Louisville destroyed two bad non-conference opponents to start the season, but then came back to earth in a 31-19 win over Georgia Tech where they rushed for just 57 yards after averaging 263 yards in their first two games. I think last week’s game is more representative of who they are, but they still got the win. We all know Notre Dame is vulnerable. That’s actually what “Notre Dame” means in Latin. A lot of people don’t know that. Irish quarterback Riley Leonard has rushed for 100 yards in each of the past two games. He has only thrown for 23 more yards in that span than he’s rushed for, which is not a great sign for the Notre Dame passing game. If you’re asking me to pick between head coaches, I’m taking Louisville’s Jeff Brohm. Notre Dame fans have given up on Leonard, which tells me I need to stick with him one more week.

Notre Dame 26 – Louisville 23

Teams: #21 Oklahoma (3-1, 0-1) at Auburn (2-2, 0-1)
Time (TV): 3:30 pm (ABC)
Interest: 3.5
Line: Auburn +2.5
Cheer For: Auburn

This game is being simulcast on the Morbid Curiosity Network. The pregame show is hosted by The Amazing Chad, who is this guy that pounds nails into his sinuses while providing gambling advice. To his credit, he never makes any jokes about “hammering the over.” Oklahoma has injuries on offense and a freshman quarterback. Auburn has a coach who hates all of his players and they feel the same way. This is going to be the most miserable game of the year. Not necessarily in terms of the game play, but everybody in this stadium is miserable. Nobody is happy. Certainly not the fans. If mental energy has legitimate power – whether it’s positive or negative, then we will see the power of negative energy unleashed in this game. There will be both a literal and figurative dark cloud hanging over Jordan-Hare Stadium on Saturday. I hear Gozer is the halftime performer.

Auburn 17 – Oklahoma 13

Teams: #2 Georgia (3-0, 1-0) at #4 Alabama (3-0, 0-0)
Time (TV): 7:30 pm (ABC)
Interest: 5
Line: Alabama +1
Cheer For: Alabama

You are cheering for Alabama because there’s a decent chance that this isn’t going to be Georgia’s only loss and you’re interested in watching the CFP committee twist themselves into knots to put a three-loss Georgia team in the playoffs. Neither team has played to its fullest yet, and it’s unlikely that either will do it this week. Both teams have had a week off to prepare for this game. The Georgia offense is not yet clicking. The Alabama offense has a freshman receiver who is lighting everyone on fire. Can the Bulldogs slow down the rookie arsonist? This is the first time since 2007 that Alabama has been a home underdog. I’m taking Georgia but I’m not a believer.

Georgia 27 – Alabama 24

Teams: #3 Ohio State (3-0, 0-0) at Michigan State (3-1, 1-0)
Time (TV): 7:30 pm (Peacock)
Interest: 5
Line: Michigan State +24
Cheer For: Ohio State

There may be some rain in this game, which could alter the Buckeyes’ offensive game plan. This will be the stiffest defensive front the Ohio State running game has faced this season, so let’s see just how good the Buckeyes actually are up front. I don’t expect anything to be easy, save for some play-action shots down the field. Defensively, the Buckeyes have to take advantage of the mistakes that MSU quarterback Aidan Chiles makes. They will also need to tackle him when they have an opportunity to do so. The Spartans run hard, so the Ohio State defense will need to be better equipped to stop the run than they were last week. Ultimately, talent and scheme will win out, but 24 points sure sounds like a lot to live up to.

Ohio State 34 – Michigan State 13

Teams: #19 Illinois (4-0) at #9 Penn State (3-0)
Time (TV): 7:30 pm (NBC)
Interest: 4.5
Line: Penn State -19.5
Cheer For: Illinois

I am baffled by this line. Has Penn State been that good of late that they are favored by almost three touchdowns against a team that is generally a pain in the ass to play? Has history forgotten about one of college football’s greatest games just a few years ago between these two teams? I’m not predicting eight overtimes, but I’m not NOT predicting it. This is going to be a raucous crowd, but the Illini already went to Nebraska and won there, so they’ll at least have an idea of what they’re in for. The Penn State defense is better than Nebraska’s. I’m taking the Nittany Lions, but I think this is going to be a tough one all the way through.

Penn State 27 – Illinois 16

Teams: Arizona (2-1, 0-0) at #10 Utah (4-0, 1-0)
Time (TV): 10:15 pm (ESPN)
Interest: 4
Line: Utah -11
Cheer For: Utah

I will personally be rooting for Arizona, but you should probably root for Utah. You don’t want any extra teams from the Big XII getting into the playoffs just yet. Arizona was off last week following a disappointing loss at Kansas State. This is an opportunity for them to erase that game and get right back into the Big XII title picture. Every time a team gets propped up as the conference favorite, that team goes down. Utah is the hope right now, which means they are due to stumble. The Utes are coming in off of a win over a ranked and undefeated Oklahoma State. They have never been more due for a letdown. The only problem is that Kyle Whittingham never actually lets his team get high. Figuratively or literally.

Utah 31 – Arizona 20

Teams: #8 Oregon (3-0, 0-0) at UCLA (1-2, 0-1)
Time (TV): 11:00 pm (FOX)
Interest: 2.5
Line: UCLA +24
Cheer For: UCLA

You’re cheering for UCLA because any loss to Oregon right now is a good thing for the Buckeyes. You’re trying to build insurance against the Ducks should OSU lose in Eugene. People are calling this The Chip Kelly Bowl. Some of us have printed out shirts with “The Chip Kelly Bowl” written on them. Thousands of shirts. They are not selling. And our wives are not happy. They told me comic sans was a bad idea, but I didn’t believe them. How could something so playfully casual be so off-putting on clothing? As an aside, is Oregon starting to get good again?

Oregon 42 – UCLA 14

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