The Tip Sheet: Right Down Fraud Street

You have waited through eight months of misery, pretending to enjoy your families and your jobs, but now you can revert back to your true self because college football is back.

You can tell Phil from logistics that it was you who slashed his tires back in March.

And June.

And that the home invasion in July may have been your idea and it may have gotten out of hand but he’ll never be able to prove it in a court of law.

College football is back, baby!

And nothing else matters.

Thursday August 29

Teams: North Carolina at Minnesota
Time (TV): 9:00 pm (FOX)
Interest: 3.5
Cheer For: Minnesota
Line: Minnesota +1.5

This game could have featured two of the best running backs in the nation, but it’s looking like one of them may not be making it. A week ago, the Gophers were 2.5-point favorites. Now, with rumors of a hamstring injury for Minnesota running back Darius Taylor, the line has swung in UNC’s direction. The Tar Heels are being sketchy on their starting quarterback, but whoever it is will be handing the ball off to Omarion Hampton, who had five games last year with at least 150 yards rushing. If Taylor can’t go, head coach PJ Fleck will simply find another tailback to run into the ground until they break repeatedly. I am looking forward to seeing new Minnesota starting quarterback Max Brosmer, who was a star at New Hampshire. I am not looking forward to Michigan fans eventually finding out about Brosmer’s New Hampshire quarterback background. When they do, I just hope Brosmer is ready for those Michigan fans to start Googling his siblings’ occupations and accusing them of hacking Michigan’s computers and phones.

Minnesota 23 – North Carolina 20

Teams: Coastal Carolina at Jacksonville State
Time (TV): 8:00 pm (CBSSN)
Interest: 2.5
Cheer For: Jacksonville State
Line: Jacksonville State -3.5

Coastal Carolina head coach Tim Beck isn’t announcing who his starting quarterback is, but you can bet whoever it is, he’s going to be worse than he was a year ago. Tim Beck is the Benjamin Button of quarterback gurus. His quarterbacks grow older but play more and more like toddlers the longer they stay with him. This game is going to be ignored, but it could be the kind of chaos that you’d never want at your own table but can’t stop watching when it’s a few booths over. This could be the kind of thing that generally only happens at a Waffle House. There but for the grace of Steak-n-Shake go us.

Jacksonville State 38 – Coastal Carolina 27

Teams: North Dakota State at Colorado
Time (TV): 8:00 pm (ESPN)
Interest: 3.5
Cheer For: Colorado
Line: Colorado -10.5

You are cheering for Colorado because if you don’t, Deion Sanders won’t let you ask him questions about the Buffs’ most recent struggles. A lot of people are pointing towards this game as a possible upset special, but I think those people are just jealous of Coach Prime and how smart and handsome and famous he is. Those people probably don’t even have any national commercials featuring themselves impeccably pitching globally trusted products like Coach Prime does. Watch Coach Prime talk to a duck for 20 seconds in an AFLAC commercial and you’ll see what I see – the greatest coach in college football history. And right next to that guy is Deion Freaking Sanders!

Colorado 142 – North Dakota State 0

Saturday August 31

Teams: No. 8 Penn State at West Virginia
Time (TV): 12:00 pm (FOX)
Interest: 4.5
Cheer For: Penn State
Line: West Virginia +8.5

I’ll be honest, I’m not sure how to operate the “Cheer For” portion of this show anymore. The Tip Sheet was originally created by local buffoon Tom Orr in the BCS era when every hope mattered. It was designed to tell Buckeye fans who to root for each week in order to best guarantee Ohio State’s spot in the BCS Championship Game (and later playoffs). Now in college football – and in life – there’s no point anymore in having nearly as much hope as we used to have. With 12 teams making the playoffs, Ohio State isn’t tied to the results of their opponents. That being said, a Penn State win would still be best for OSU right now. I know none of you will be rooting for Penn State, I just like to stick to the rules of the game. You, meanwhile, will stick to the rules that your Mountaineer parents raised you on – always be bearded, armed, and tasseled. West Virginia quarterback Garrett Green is fun to watch. He can go for 200 yards passing and 100 yards rushing on any given Saturday. The Penn State defense is going to get after him, but can they catch him? On the other side, everybody will be watching the Nittany Lion offense to see if quarterback Drew Allar is willing to throw the ball downfield. I think Penn State is fortunate that this is a noon kick.

Penn State 27 – West Virginia 24

Teams: Virginia Tech at Vanderbilt
Time (TV): 12:00 pm (ESPN)
Interest: 1.5
Cheer For: Virginia Tech
Line: Vanderbilt +13.5

Leave it to a tech school to beat up on a bunch of liberal arts nerds. The Commodores will be exploring their feelings while Hokie quarterback Kyron Drones is exploring their secondary. Virginia Tech is a sleeper playoff pick. Vanderbilt, on the other hand, is a sleeper sofa pick, in that they can be easily folded in on themselves and put away until next weekend.

Virginia Tech 41 – Vanderbilt 24

Teams: Illinois State at No. 25 Iowa
Time (TV): 12:00 pm (BTN)
Interest: 1.5
Cheer For: Iowa
Line: Iowa -22.5

Kirk Ferentz is suspended for this game for tampering in the pre-portal recruitment of quarterback Cade McNamara prior to last season. They say the sins of the father shouldn’t get passed on to the son, but the sins of the son can sometimes be a real bitch for the father. Iowa was so desperate for offense that they tampered for Cade McNamara. That’s like running a red light but still choosing to stay 15 mph below the speed limit. While also flipping off the cops the entire time. Maybe Michigan fans now have a point when they say the Wolverines gained no advantage from their cheating the past three years. We always reply to that kind of statement with, “Then why do it?” The question is usually rhetorical because it never gets answered, but in Kirk Ferentz’s case, we’re all genuinely curious. Like, seriously, why do it?

Iowa 22 – Illinois State 2

Teams: No. 14 Clemson vs. No. 1 Georgia (at Atlanta)
Time (TV): 12:00 pm (ABC)
Interest: 5
Cheer For: Clemson
Line: Georgia -13.5

This is going to be a contrast of matchups. We have two very storied programs that were once mirror images of perennial angst and disappointment. They could both get close to the top, but never quite reach it. That has changed over the past decade for both programs, but that mirror image is now pretty well shattered – and not just because Dabo Swinney doesn’t allow his players to drive cars until marriage. Clemson is looking to remind people that they’re still a major player in this game. Georgia is looking to remind people that they are the game. I’m just looking to remind people to set their alarms for this one because it kicks off at noon. The Bulldogs are the national title favorites, so let’s see how much of a challenge the Tigers can mount. Two touchdowns is a lot, especially at a “neutral site” like Atlanta. (Georgia is gonna be able to travel to all of their games on a single tank of gas this year.)

Georgia 27 – Clemson 17

Teams: No. 19 Miami (FL) at Florida
Time (TV): 3:30 pm (ABC)
Interest: 4
Cheer For: Miami (FL)
Line: Florida +2.5

I heard Miami had to return its allotment of 5,000 tickets because half of their fans aren’t allowed to leave the county and the other half were hoping for a ride. If the Hurricanes are going to be as good as people think, they can’t slip up against an above-average SEC team. Yes, this is a road game, but there’s no rule that says you can’t play well on the road. Plus, Miami wouldn’t know what to do with a home-field advantage if it shanked them in the liver. Hurricanes quarterback Cam Ward was an expensive addition. He is 0-9 against ranked opponents as a starter. Fortunately for him, the Gators aren’t ranked. I really want to take Miami in this one but I’m just not physically able to publish something on the internet where I’m picking Miami over an SEC team on the road.

Florida 27 – Miami 24

Teams: UTEP at Nebraska
Time (TV): 3:30 pm (FOX)
Interest: 1.5
Cheer For: Nebraska
Line: Nebraska -27.5

The Dylan Raiola Era is officially underway. At least for the time being. You have to remember, Raiola has a nomadic streak to him. He was never able to stay at one particular stop all that long. He attended several different high schools in his four years and probably looked into several more. Asking him to stay in Lincoln for three or four years is asking a lot. You can’t expect a caged bird to keep singing the same fight song. Maybe Husker fans can make it happen, but I just worry that one day Raiola’s gonna tell Matt Rhule that he’s heading out for a pack of smokes and then never come back.

Nebraska 38 – UTEP 17

Teams: Akron at No. 2 Ohio State
Time (TV): 3:30 pm (CBS)
Interest: 5
Cheer For: Ohio State
Line: Ohio State -48.5

The president of CBS has to be looking at this game like somebody who got drunk one night and bought stuff they didn’t need and now they have to find a place for all of these erotic Fonzie statues.

Ohio State 52 – Akron 7

Teams: Fresno State at No. 9 Michigan
Time (TV): 7:30 pm (NBC)
Interest: 2.5
Cheer For: Michigan
Line: Michigan -21

You are cheering for Michigan because you feel terrible for the Wolverine players who will never get to experience the pure, untainted joy of winning a national championship the right way. Instead, those young men will forever carry a stain that will never wash out. That’s not fair to them, and that’s not fair to the relentlessly heartbroken Michigan fans who have never seen a full-fledged national title in their lifetimes and know they never will. Your heart can’t help but pour out for their constant struggles. It’s especially frustrating for people like us who appreciate college football history and all of the once-proud programs that made today’s game possible but will never be able to get back to where they thought they once were.

Michigan 30 – Fresno State 10

Teams: No. 7 Notre Dame at No. 20 Texas A&M
Time (TV): 7:30 pm (ABC)
Interest: 5
Cheer For: Texas A&M
Line: Texas A&M -3

Who would win in a fight between one elephant-sized leprechaun and 12 man-sized Aggie yell leaders? Some fraudulent national title contender is going to be crowned from this game. The other is going to have to revert back to their normal station as bloviating spoiler. Still, let’s see if Mike Elko can build some consistency with the Aggies. Marcus Freeman is starting to get that consistency with the Irish, but this environment is going to be too much for Notre Dame and new quarterback Riley Leonard.

Texas A&M 31 – Notre Dame 27

Sunday September 1

Teams: No. 23 USC vs. No. 13 LSU (at Las Vegas)
Time (TV): 7:30 pm (ABC)
Interest: 5
Cheer For: USC
Line: LSU -4.5

We are going to learn a lot about USC in this game, provided we know what we think we know about LSU, which we almost assuredly do not. So actually I’m not sure if we’re going to learn anything, but at least it’s some interesting football on a Sunday, which we usually don’t get in the fall. If my lofty expectations for USC are going to materialize, we need to see it in this game. LSU’s offense is going to take a step back, but their defense has to be better. The same could be said for USC, but I think they’re still going to be pretty effective on offense. Lincoln Riley doesn’t do bad offenses. This is gonna be a fun one. Like watching a fight between a town’s two lovable drunks.

USC 38 – LSU 34

Monday September 2

Teams: Boston College at No. 10 Florida State
Time (TV): 7:30 pm (ESPN)
Interest: 3
Cheer For: Boston College
Line: Florida State -16.5

You’re cheering for Boston College because you want to thank Bill O’Brien for moving on and clearing the way for Chip Kelly to be Ohio State’s offensive coordinator. Also, you lost $400 last week because you bet on Florida State and you’ll never forgive the Seminoles for what they’ve done to your reputation. Never mind the fact that everybody saw you steal that $400 from the offering plate, so I don’t really think the Florida State loss had anything to do with your ruined reputation. And then for you to devote your entire sermon last Sunday on the evils of gambling on ACC games? Yes, it’s very good advice, but entirely inappropriate for a sermon.

Florida State 23 – Boston College 13

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