Michigan Monday: Does Artificial Intelligence Think The Hammer Is Coming?

Is Michigan going to get the hammer from the NCAA?

Well, it depends on who you ask.

For those who are making money off of the question, the answer is absolutely yes.

For those who are in denial that there were even any violations committed, the answer is an unequivocal no, which they would still be chanting in rhythm with the hammer as it pounded Michigan ever deeper into the dirt.

I’d say we’ll know soon enough, but that would be an exaggeration of the meaning of the words “soon” and “enough.”

As of now, Michigan is set to meet with the NCAA’s Committee On Infractions June 6 and 7, which should be the beginning of the end for the Connor Stalions case.

But will it be the beginning of the end for Michigan’s three-year run while Stalions was positioned on the sidelines and attached to the Wolverines’ play callers like he was on a secret service detail protecting a head of state?

In most cases, instead of blindly speculating about the punishment, we can generally just look back on precedent, as can the NCAA. Unfortunately for us — and possibly Michigan — there really isn’t much precedent for some of the violations alleged by the NCAA.

But that’s not going to stop anybody from speculating — especially when it makes money or builds clout (which is just as good as money as long as you never intend to spend it). It’s also not going to stop anybody from dismissing this whole thing as a witch hunt, even after watching Stalions flit off to Central Michigan on a Maize and Blue broom.

So in an effort to bring some clarity to this whole ordeal, I will now invoke the three laziest words in the English language: “I asked AI.”

I asked ChatGPT, Microsoft Copilot, Google’s Gemini, and Twitter’s ‘Grok’ for their thoughts on the matter.

I first asked this question: Knowing the information that is available, what do you expect the penalties to be for Michigan from the NCAA’s ongoing investigation into Connor Stalions’ sign-stealing accusations?

All four of the Large Language Models (LLMs) gave a rundown and recap of the situation, then threw in some possibilities. The thing to remember about any LLM is that it can only answer questions like these based on what’s already available on the internet and what others are saying. And “getting information based on what’s said on the internet” is just about the best definition for artificial intelligence you’re ever going to find.

ChatGPT gave out some “potential penalties.”

Grok, meanwhile, is the kind of LLM that doesn’t have time for caveats or safe words like “potential.” It wears a leather jacket and kicks doors down when it speculates.

Microsoft Copilot, which I believe is the Zune of LLMs, could see some vacating of wins in Michigan’s future.

Then comes Google’s Gemini, which looks like it was programmed by a certain New Hampshire private investigator.

As you can see, the possibilities are quite severe.

Everybody knows Michigan is going to be punished, but the argument of late has moved to the original question asked above.

Is Michigan going to get the hammer from the NCAA?

Well, that depends on what your definition of hammer is.

And rest assured, no matter what happens when the punishment is finally handed down, some will tell you it was a hammer and others will tell you there never was a hammer to begin with.

Not wanting to get into a battle of semantics, I decided to ask all four LLMs if Michigan was going to get the hammer from the NCAA.

Let’s stop beating around the bush and get the answer we all want to know before we all tell everybody we were right all along.

After all, if you say enough crap or continue to move your goalposts, then you’ll always be able to tell people you called it from the start.

Perhaps the best thing would be for people to define what they mean by “the hammer” and then go from there, but that doesn’t leave much room for “I told you so.”

I did not ask any of the LLMs to define “the hammer,” nor did I do it for them. I simply asked “Is Michigan going to get the hammer?”

Copilot went with a “that depends,” which is not what we want to hear from the internet.

Gemini says predicting an outcome is difficult, but that the national championship isn’t likely to be vacated.

Like me, Grok agrees that we should define hammer. Grok also expects Michigan to be hit hard, but it may not be a hammer that does it. It also establishes that a one-year postseason ban isn’t “the hammer.” I don’t know if that is an accepted assertion industry-wide, however.

ChatGPT, meanwhile, sees a few more penalties, but nothing that would impact the past, the present, or the future.

It should be noted, however, that ChatGPT has come to this conclusion based on Michigan “proactively” suspending head coach Sherrone Moore, Michigan’s “cooperation” with the investigation, and athletic director Warde Manuel indicating that there have been no discussions with the NCAA regarding postseason bans or other severe penalties.

(Kind of makes you wonder what ChatGPT’s handle is on the Michigan message boards.)

I then asked ChatGPT what it thought fair sanctions would be based on what is known and past precedent.

Clearly, LLMs are great for providing a lot of words to read and consider, but ultimately there are only two words we are looking for: Yes or No.

Not that we don’t appreciate the breakdowns and the rationale, all we want to know is if Michigan is going to get “the hammer.”

So that was my final question.

“Yes or no, is Michigan going to get the hammer?”

ChatGPT doesn’t think so, and also adds in a definition of “the hammer.”

Grok agrees.

Gemini, meanwhile, asked for the location of Michigan’s punchbowl.

Copilot gave an answer that reminds us that being hit with a hammer can actually be pretty damn deadly. Death is not the expected result from the NCAA, which is why Copilot may have given us the best overall answer.

Also, “The Full Hammer” is a great band name but a terrifying name for the AI entity that eventually takes over mankind. Give me “Skynet” any day over “The Full Hammer.”

But back to the NCAA’s figurative hammer. We have two LLMs saying no hammer, one saying yes to a hammer, and another saying yes, but only head trauma, not actual death.

Split decisions have always been the best decisions.

Fortunately, we will have the NCAA’s decision this summer and then we will all be able to move on with our lives — and our new definition of what a hammer actually is.

Just like we’ve been trying to tell you all along.